You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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