clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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