I think I died a long time ago.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
