He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
