Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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