saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
