They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
