I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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