Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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