I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
