Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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