my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
