I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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