Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
