Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize