I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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