i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
