when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
