I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
