I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
splinters make it hard to masturbate
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
