u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Four minutes until I can fart!
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
