She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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