i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
