i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I need water and some morals
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
