omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
