Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
