theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
