It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize