Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
