Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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