im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
