what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
