I showed him my bush... on skype.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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