After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I want a musical about memes.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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