I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
