I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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