It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
