Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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