If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
