Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
