Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize