I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
