At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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