hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize