Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
