I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
