It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
