You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
