I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
