Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
