Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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