My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
