so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
