My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
