I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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