He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
