if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
