standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
